she is dating a woman

Well readers I have my first question on this blog.
Anonymous said...
Hi there Bill, my name is Jim. I've found your blog on the random blog finder button and thought it was interesting. You have good advice, so maybe you can help me with a situation. I have 3 daughters too but also a son. One of my daughters just told me that she is dating a woman. Even though I'm not too keen on the idea she is very happy and I don’t really know what to think or what to say to her. What would you do in this situation?
Dear Jim,
Thanks for the question. Normally the way I help people is to ask questions. The first question for you is, do you really want me to tell you what to do? Have you been searching around for someone to give you permission to do what you already want to do? Have you talked it over with your wife? Do you both feel the same?

You say your daughter “just told” you. There is more information that goes with that revelation. How long has she been dating? What does dating mean to her? Is it a passing thing? Has she made a decision in her life about her lifestyle? Find these things out Jim.

Now our ship on troubled waters takes another tack. Does she live at home? If yes, do you talk? Do you know where she goes, what she does and with whom she does it? If not, why not? This is a fairly serious decision on her part. You should have seen it coming. You should get involved in your children’s lives. There is no more important reason for you to be on this planet than to raise your children. That being said, let’s see if I can say something that may help you.

Over the years I have had beliefs that I have tried to pass on to my children. This is one major reason children have “parental units”. Unfortunately for our culture the popular belief is: let the children choose their own way. We do not let plants or animals choose. We prune rose bushes back so they will bloom. We weed the garden so our vegetables will not be choked by weeds. We train our pets not to defecate and urinate on our carpet, or at least we try, so we do not have to live with the smell. So why is it wrong to try to train children? For those who follow the Christian Bible it says to train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it. Buddha trained his followers in his way. That is why it is called “The Way”. It isn’t called “Your Way”. That’s Burger King. (Sorry, but you have to laugh a little.) There is no doubt that Mohammed did his best to have the world follow his beliefs. So why then is it wrong for you, Jim, to want to pass on your beliefs? It isn’t wrong. However, people are different. If we weren’t different then we would all like cherry pie and there would not be enough to go around. Silly idea I know, but it is a good analogy.

I will assume that over the course of the raising of your children you told them how you felt about homosexuality. I am also assuming from the question that you do not like it. But maybe I assume too much. You did say in your question, “…I’m not too keen on the idea….” Does that mean you never made your beliefs clear? If you did make them clear, are you trying to be polite now? Have you been honest with your children? Have you said, “Well hon, I think it’s wrong?”

Let’s assume your daughter knows how you feel. Now you have to think of how old she is. If she is a minor then you can do anything you want as long as you do not run afoul of the Child Protective Services. If she is over eighteen then you are going to have to realize that she is grown or thinks she is. I lived on my own and thought I knew everything at nineteen.

My oldest daughter got a piercing in her bellybutton when she was away at school. My first thought was to pull it out with a pair of pliers, but I figured it was not a battle I wanted to fight. That is your question Jim. Is it a battle you are willing to fight? What does it mean to you? Are you willing to kick her out, not speak to her, not give her money, etc?

You have known your family a lot longer than I have so let’s just walk you through it. You have to come to terms with what you believe and how strongly you believe it. You have to figure out how far you are willing to go. You have to understand it is important for the other children to see how you react. If they are younger, then they are watching you. If they are older, then talk to them about their sister. They knew what she was doing before you did I’m sure. Decide if you can live with it. Decide whether or not you are going to let the “woman” in the house. Decide if you are going to let them sleep in the same room when they visit. These are the same things you have to decide with heterosexual children. While you are at it decide about drugs in the house.

Here are a couple of examples of events in my home. My child came home from school at Christmas with her boyfriend. My wife and I, we, asked them to sleep in separate rooms. I say “we” because we are a team. Now I knew that they had traveled a thousand miles and stayed in a motel on the way, but that was somewhere else other than under my roof. You have rights under your own roof. If your children cannot respect your feelings under your own roof then they are the ones who should feel ashamed. You respect their lives when you go visit them - at least you should – and they should return the favor.

Another time a young man came to visit one of my daughters. He came for Sunday lunch. He was eight hours late, he had been drinking and the first thing he did when he came into the house, before he even spoke to anyone except my daughter, was to ask where the bathroom was so he could urinate. The next thing he did was ask my daughter if he could have a piece of candy. After he left I advised my daughter that he was not to see her again and he was not to come to the house. I told her if he did I would call the police and file charges for trespassing. You see it is my home. I do not disrespect other people and I do not deserve disrespect. Also, I will not allow others to disrespect my children. If he was the kind of man who would do those things knowing I am there, then what would he treat my daughter like when he has her alone? My daughter has found two other boyfriends since then.

Sometimes you have to make a decision about yourself and who you are. Be secure in youself. Others will know who you are. They may not agree, but they will respect you for being who you are.

Ok Jim. Does that help? If it were me…well… I think I would say,
“Wow! That comes as a surprise. I should have seen that coming. I’m sorry that I haven’t been closer to you to know it. You know that I think it is wrong. You know that I think it is a sign of a society gone wrong. Look at the Roman Empire during its decline. The same thing went on.

“Even with that said sweetheart, I love you. If I can help you in any way I will. I will ask you not to flaunt your lifestyle in front of your younger sister. Your friend is welcome in the house as long as you two keep your hands off each other. I ask that you respect my views as you ask me to respect yours. She is welcome to sleep in the guest bedroom. If you can’t go the night without sex with her then you will have to get a room at a motel in town. Remember when I made your sister and her boyfriend sleep in separate rooms when they came to visit. Ok. It’s the same thing just different genders.”

Well, Jim, I think that about does it for me. If I write any more I think I will be neglecting my own family.
Take Care,
Billdad