she is dating a woman

Well readers I have my first question on this blog.
Anonymous said...
Hi there Bill, my name is Jim. I've found your blog on the random blog finder button and thought it was interesting. You have good advice, so maybe you can help me with a situation. I have 3 daughters too but also a son. One of my daughters just told me that she is dating a woman. Even though I'm not too keen on the idea she is very happy and I don’t really know what to think or what to say to her. What would you do in this situation?
Dear Jim,
Thanks for the question. Normally the way I help people is to ask questions. The first question for you is, do you really want me to tell you what to do? Have you been searching around for someone to give you permission to do what you already want to do? Have you talked it over with your wife? Do you both feel the same?

You say your daughter “just told” you. There is more information that goes with that revelation. How long has she been dating? What does dating mean to her? Is it a passing thing? Has she made a decision in her life about her lifestyle? Find these things out Jim.

Now our ship on troubled waters takes another tack. Does she live at home? If yes, do you talk? Do you know where she goes, what she does and with whom she does it? If not, why not? This is a fairly serious decision on her part. You should have seen it coming. You should get involved in your children’s lives. There is no more important reason for you to be on this planet than to raise your children. That being said, let’s see if I can say something that may help you.

Over the years I have had beliefs that I have tried to pass on to my children. This is one major reason children have “parental units”. Unfortunately for our culture the popular belief is: let the children choose their own way. We do not let plants or animals choose. We prune rose bushes back so they will bloom. We weed the garden so our vegetables will not be choked by weeds. We train our pets not to defecate and urinate on our carpet, or at least we try, so we do not have to live with the smell. So why is it wrong to try to train children? For those who follow the Christian Bible it says to train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it. Buddha trained his followers in his way. That is why it is called “The Way”. It isn’t called “Your Way”. That’s Burger King. (Sorry, but you have to laugh a little.) There is no doubt that Mohammed did his best to have the world follow his beliefs. So why then is it wrong for you, Jim, to want to pass on your beliefs? It isn’t wrong. However, people are different. If we weren’t different then we would all like cherry pie and there would not be enough to go around. Silly idea I know, but it is a good analogy.

I will assume that over the course of the raising of your children you told them how you felt about homosexuality. I am also assuming from the question that you do not like it. But maybe I assume too much. You did say in your question, “…I’m not too keen on the idea….” Does that mean you never made your beliefs clear? If you did make them clear, are you trying to be polite now? Have you been honest with your children? Have you said, “Well hon, I think it’s wrong?”

Let’s assume your daughter knows how you feel. Now you have to think of how old she is. If she is a minor then you can do anything you want as long as you do not run afoul of the Child Protective Services. If she is over eighteen then you are going to have to realize that she is grown or thinks she is. I lived on my own and thought I knew everything at nineteen.

My oldest daughter got a piercing in her bellybutton when she was away at school. My first thought was to pull it out with a pair of pliers, but I figured it was not a battle I wanted to fight. That is your question Jim. Is it a battle you are willing to fight? What does it mean to you? Are you willing to kick her out, not speak to her, not give her money, etc?

You have known your family a lot longer than I have so let’s just walk you through it. You have to come to terms with what you believe and how strongly you believe it. You have to figure out how far you are willing to go. You have to understand it is important for the other children to see how you react. If they are younger, then they are watching you. If they are older, then talk to them about their sister. They knew what she was doing before you did I’m sure. Decide if you can live with it. Decide whether or not you are going to let the “woman” in the house. Decide if you are going to let them sleep in the same room when they visit. These are the same things you have to decide with heterosexual children. While you are at it decide about drugs in the house.

Here are a couple of examples of events in my home. My child came home from school at Christmas with her boyfriend. My wife and I, we, asked them to sleep in separate rooms. I say “we” because we are a team. Now I knew that they had traveled a thousand miles and stayed in a motel on the way, but that was somewhere else other than under my roof. You have rights under your own roof. If your children cannot respect your feelings under your own roof then they are the ones who should feel ashamed. You respect their lives when you go visit them - at least you should – and they should return the favor.

Another time a young man came to visit one of my daughters. He came for Sunday lunch. He was eight hours late, he had been drinking and the first thing he did when he came into the house, before he even spoke to anyone except my daughter, was to ask where the bathroom was so he could urinate. The next thing he did was ask my daughter if he could have a piece of candy. After he left I advised my daughter that he was not to see her again and he was not to come to the house. I told her if he did I would call the police and file charges for trespassing. You see it is my home. I do not disrespect other people and I do not deserve disrespect. Also, I will not allow others to disrespect my children. If he was the kind of man who would do those things knowing I am there, then what would he treat my daughter like when he has her alone? My daughter has found two other boyfriends since then.

Sometimes you have to make a decision about yourself and who you are. Be secure in youself. Others will know who you are. They may not agree, but they will respect you for being who you are.

Ok Jim. Does that help? If it were me…well… I think I would say,
“Wow! That comes as a surprise. I should have seen that coming. I’m sorry that I haven’t been closer to you to know it. You know that I think it is wrong. You know that I think it is a sign of a society gone wrong. Look at the Roman Empire during its decline. The same thing went on.

“Even with that said sweetheart, I love you. If I can help you in any way I will. I will ask you not to flaunt your lifestyle in front of your younger sister. Your friend is welcome in the house as long as you two keep your hands off each other. I ask that you respect my views as you ask me to respect yours. She is welcome to sleep in the guest bedroom. If you can’t go the night without sex with her then you will have to get a room at a motel in town. Remember when I made your sister and her boyfriend sleep in separate rooms when they came to visit. Ok. It’s the same thing just different genders.”

Well, Jim, I think that about does it for me. If I write any more I think I will be neglecting my own family.
Take Care,
Billdad

The Loser

There is an article by Doctor Joe Carver that is really great. www.drjoecarver.com It goes with what I wrote in my previous post. He, of course, does a better job of explaining things. I recommend it highly: "The Loser".

He deserved to be dumped.

Recently I have been listening to three young females talk about their “recently broken up with” boyfriends. Actually one of them is a recently broken up with husband, but the same principals apply. All three grew up and the boys did not. I think they each made the best decision to let the relationship go. They each felt, and still feel, bad about it. They wonder what they did wrong and what they could have done better. They care.
Well that is OK. A person should examine their past relationship and learn what they can do better next time. There is nothing wrong with that. However, that is not all these girls do. They talk to the guys. They read their email. They let them come to their house.
Now these guys were not the kind that are going to be friends after the relationship, although these girls (I call them girls because I am so much older) are capable of keeping them as friends if the guys had been mature enough. The guys, to a man, or should I say boy, were not able to be the kind to continue on as friends.
So now these girls, who saw the handwriting on the wall a little while ago have erased the handwriting and have begun to have fencing matches with these young losers about why they broke up.
Here is the point. If the boy could have understood what he was lacking and where he was deficient, then they may not have broken up at all. Yet these girls, because they are so nice, are trying to explain to the boys, when the boys whine on the phone, why they broke up. The boys write emails, they call at 2am, they show up at the girl’s apartment and they whine. It makes me sick. They are losers. They are stupid losers. The girls need to move on. They need to delete, hang up and shut the door.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh. No, I am not, really, I just say that because I am suppose to. My preference is to beat the shit out of them with a baseball bat, but since we are such a touchy feely nation now we cannot do that sort of thing. (It would get the point across.)
These boys are making these girl’s lives miserable because they will not let it go. They want these girls to hurt I guess. I do not like that.
If you know a girl in this situation, then tell them to tell the boy, he has to move on. They can do it politely if they want, but they have to do it. Otherwise it will continue. The girls are so nice that there is a chance that this whining boy might get her to change her mind. He might manipulate her back into a relationship. If that happens she will be lost forever. He will then be able to do anything to her and she will be helpless. That is how abuse starts. Then some wife or Dad kills some poor slob of a husband and goes to jail. All because this girl could not “delete,” “hang up,” or “shut the door.”
That is Billdad's advice for today.

Follow your heart

Recently I have seen several people having a difficult time of getting through life.
One lost (they broke up) her boyfriend of several years, but it is for the best, I think.
Another lost her husband of several years. They are getting a divorce when she gets enough money. This probably is going to happen because he moved to another state.
Still another has at least two boys that want to marry her, but she wants to get some life lived first.
It seems like the men in our country have become a bunch of whiney little girls. I can't understand. They follow the girls around like little puppies. When the girls tell them they have had enough they whine and write emails that are pitiful and sad. Then the emails change to sarcastic and mean. What is it with these guys. Get over it.
So I have seen people making life decisions and I am proud of them. It takes courage to make a decision. It starts when you are young. If you are not allowed to make decisions and suffer the consequences of you actions, then later in life you will be frozen in a block of insecurity ice.
If you do not want to be frozen then start making small decisions quickly.
Where do we eat? This does not have to be a question that takes more than a millisecond to answer. McDonald's, Friday's and the Country Club; pick one.
Do this for purchases. Then for more long range things like housing and auto purchases. Pretty soon you will be deciding that you really do not want to spend your life with this ditz or clinging vine.
Listen to your heart and then decide. Your heart, not some other person's words or ideas. You will be a happier person. Trust me.

Father's Day

You had a Father. He may have only been a biological one or so it seems like many people feel that way now days. More and more children are from homes which have mulitiple Fathers; and Mothers for that matter. It has not been easy, but I have been able to stay with the Mother of my children 24 years now. It has not been easy because there have been "issues", as the kids have begun to say recently.
My daughters have needed the influence of a man around the house. I have taught them, I hope, some things in life that has made it worth me being here. I hope I have been an example of the kind of man they need to go look for. I think this is the prime reason that a Father is here. Aside from the act of impregnating the Mother. Children learn primarily by example. That is so obvious that only the slowest of brain cannot see it. Fathers can lead their children into a positive, productive and happy life or they can lead them to misery. It is a choice.
So I am going to go now and be a FATHER.
Happy Father's Day.

Who are you?

I was happy to see that someone - nn91 - actually read this blog of mine. They had no question, but that's OK.
You want to change your life. Notice I did not put that in the form of a question. The odds are with me. Most people want to change their lives.
First you have to look at your life. Find out who you are and what you do. Try to look at yourself objectively. Look at your emotional responses as if you were someone else. You have watched enough TV to know what to look for in people. Look for it in yourself. Are you pitiful, whiney or sad? Are you loud and obnoxious? Does your spouse or boy/girl friend manipulate you? Do you manipulate them? Read some books figure it out. Read Games People Play by Eric Berne.
So basically you can not change yourself effectively if you do not know who you are.
Make lists. Keep records. Plot your behavior on a chart. Have someone take photos or videos of you when you are in a bad mood. You will be surprised what you look like and sound like. Do whatever it takes. Learn who you are.

What do you want? After you find out who you are, do some soul searching and try to figure out where you went wrong. You had plans and ideas of what you wanted to do and be years ago. What happened to them? Did you abort your plans or did someone else? It is usually a lot easier to blame someone else. Go ahead and do so. It does not matter. The truth is what it is.
(My children will get into an argument over something that is. An example would be how tall something is. They go on for a long time and really get mad. Now what is the point? The item is as tall as it is no matter what either of them believes. The Media does the same thing with their polls of the public and what it thinks is going to happen: “Do you think Michael Jackson is guilty?” What a stupid question. He will either be found guilty or not and no one person’s opinion or millions of opinions will change it; unless, of course, you are on the jury.)
It really does not matter who is to blame, you are where you are. You are who you are. You are the starting point. You are the biggest problem. You are lazy. You are afraid. You doubt yourself. You are stuck in a rut. You find it easier to stay just the way you are. Most people do. They continue along in life blaming everyone else and complaining at everything. Whine. Whine. Whine. Is that you? Blame thrower. Whiner. Lazy. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. Black. White. Latin. Asian. My answer to all those excuses. ONE EXCUSE IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER!
(Just be glad you did not grow up as one of my children; you would have heard that often.)
So do you see yourself for what you are? Now I have a question. Do you want to change? Do you really want to change? I think that is what they require at the AA meetings. You know. “My name is _____ and I am an alcoholic.” Well the same thing goes here. You name is _____ and you are ____. If you are a human being, you have value. If you are a human being, you have potential. If you are a human being, you can grow and change into anything you want.
Next is finding a firm goal that you will be able to live for. The reason I say something you can live for is because if you have a goal you are not committed to you will fail. How about the goals your parents picked for you? Or the goals your spouse picked for you? Are you following the goals your high school teachers planned for you? If you are following someone else’s goals then you are probably less committed than if they were your own.

Here is an idea. Write your obituary with the assumption you die at eighty years old. What would you like to have written about you. Would you like this to be your epitaph? So-an-so was a fireman for 35 years and received five commendations for saving lives. He married his high school sweetheart and had three beautiful happy successful children. Write about your life as you want it to be. Write it and rewrite until you find an end to your life that you are proud of. A life that when you read it you say, “Wow I wish I had been him!”

Now you are ready to set out on a new life. Take the first step. What is the first step? Do you need to get a new job, leave you parents, go to school or punch someone? There is something you need to do to make a specific change in direction in you life. Find it and do it. I am sorry that this is so general, but I have no specific questions to answer.

You can’t do it can you? Then I have a question for you. Do you want to continue to be the whiner, or whatever you are, that you are? If the answer is yes, then go ahead. Now write your obit. “Here lies the whiner that never did anything he/she wanted; unhappy and unfulfilled.”
I know I sound harsh and unyielding, but any other answer will allow you off the hook. Now gather your courage and go have a good, productive and happy life.

My first posting on my blog.

If you have chanced across my blog, then you are in luck. There is a wealth of knowledge waiting to be tapped. Like oil underground that can power the machines of the world the knowledge in me is waiting for you to bring it to the surface. My desire is to advise you about your life. So give it a try. Maybe we can have some fun.

General advice to everyone:

Be where you are.
My children heard this for years. Basically it is the smell the roses idea. However, it goes deeper than simply doing something cute or fun while you are traveling through life. Your existence is the key to your travels through life. In the simple act of living you are being, but often people have difficulty being where they are. They want to be somewhere else, do something else or have something else. It is all well and good to work toward a goal, but if you don’t exist where you are, while you are working toward that goal, then if you do attain that goal, you will not know how to “be” there. In other words you will reach the goal and still not be satisfied.
Name it whatever you want, but make your existence at this very moment a fact that you can think about. Are you aware of your body? Are you aware of your environment? Are you aware of your emotional attitude?

Learn to read.
I am aware that you are reading this and that is good. I recommend you increase your reading. I recommend you stop watching TV. It will suck the life right out of you. The rich and powerful people do not watch TV all the time. They are doing. Mostly what they are doing is doing it to you. You are a cog in the wheel of industry and commerce and TV is one of the methods that the people that control your life use. First assignment: Read 1984 by George Orwell. If you get through that then let me know. Tell me what you think and then I will give you another book to read. Please just type in 1984 Orwell on Amazon or eBay. Order the book and read it.

I think that is enough for one day. Come back tomorrow.